What do you say when you can't find the words?

It is with deep sadness I write to you all. There are certain things in life that are difficult to express; things so hard that words do not convey the matters of the heart. This is one of those occasions.

Josh and I suffered a second miscarriage last week. Last April when we experienced the first loss, it was traumatic, but we were reassured that “it's common” and “it happens more than you think” – both things are true, but not exactly comforting.

This time, however, it hit a bit harder. Losing a second baby somehow cuts deeper and causes me to ask unfair questions like, "What have I done wrong to deserve this?" or, "What have I done to make God angry?" or, even worse, think things like, "I wouldn't be a good mother anyway."

This loss makes me question many things, but I must trust that God has a plan and that I must defer to God’s hopes for us. To be honest, the thought of God’s promises doesn't always motivate me to get up off the couch, or provide relief from the constant ache of my muscles, or give a sense of calm during social situations when I simply want to sit down and disengage, but it does provide the release that NOT ALL THINGS ARE IN MY CONTROL.

You don’t have to know me well to know that I like order and prefer to do things "by the book." I’m a planner and a list-maker.

Through this process of loss, I have to accept that there are things that I cannot possibly manipulate to go my way. I must shamefully admit that my prayer life is terrible. Because of my controlling nature, I’m the last one to "give it up to God in prayer" but I must now lay it all down before the Lord and release these stresses and second-guesses, trusting that God has a plan.

I can find peace in knowing that I have hundreds of awesome “kids” already -- the students live on LCC’s campus. They are passionate and curious, seeking and learning and growing every day.

Never ceasing to amaze me, they have come around Josh and me though this difficult time offering their own kinds of support. The students and staff of this place show their care by dropping off a simple note of encouragement, a treat left at my office or in my mailbox, and even coming to our apartment to cook a meal. Let me publicly say thank you to those who have reached out with care, support, love and prayers. You have all helped us to begin walking the path of healing.

Flowers, cards, food, teddy bears and more flowers from dear friends at LCC.

Rest assured that we have not suffered through this process, in a foreign country, alone. Our dear friend Ilona Bertasiute has been our fearless guide, translator, appointment maker, compassionate advocate, supportive companion and all-around irreplaceable pal.

Ilona has come with us to every appointment and sat with Josh as I underwent surgery last week. Ilona's mother has even joined the case and assisted with requesting medical records from my last stay in the hospital. In these times of deep anxiety, when being "away from home" is most difficult, we realize where "home" truly is... here in Klaipeda surrounded by our new community who can hold us up when our own legs cannot. I thank God for Ilona's friendship.

I ask that you hold Josh and me in prayer as we pursue information regarding these failed pregnancies. I will have a follow-up visit with my OBGYN next week on Monday, December 8.

She is a lovely Lithuanian woman named Odeta who speaks English and works at the city’s fertility clinic. She is confident that we can find a solution and will again conceive as soon as my mind and body have healed.

Please pray for Josh and me, for Dr. Odeta and for God’s discernment as we enter into the next months of uncertainty.

I pray for hope and for the energy to survive the busy season ahead.